I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
