Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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