Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
