I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
