I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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