Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
