eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
