I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
