You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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