I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Are my feet made of real feet?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
