I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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