I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Randomize
