Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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