You're completely useless in the revolution.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
