I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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