Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
