You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
