I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
