I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
