I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
