dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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