i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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