It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize