The maid of honor just puked.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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