Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
