Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
third nipple confirmed
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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