wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
