Can Purell be used as lube?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
