I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
