I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
