made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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