I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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