I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
