My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
