I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
