my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize