as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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