We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
