thus making me awesome and them whores
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Randomize
