I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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