I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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