The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize