I hate your face
I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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