Can i not drive my cunt home
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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