Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I touched a dick in church today
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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