Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
