We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
