Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
