My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
