Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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