xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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