also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
