so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
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