Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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