I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
