from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
The air taste purple.
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