currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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