I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
