The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
